Be Authentic

As I sit here watching an antique show, it fits right in with the thoughts washing ashore on the beach of my mind. Is it genuine, a fake, or an imitation? Over and over, I hear it said that to succeed, you set your intentions and prepare for them to be accomplished. My experience has been that every time I make plans, something goes awry. I have tried to make my own choices, full steam ahead, but everything has gone down the drain. So many times I have asked the universe why others get to chart a course and sail it, but I can't.

It's been a few months since I had a regular job, and my emotions have traveled a winding road. There has been hurt, betrayal, grief, anger, frustration, etc. Initially, I knew that this season was about growth, and so I was determined to make the best of it, but as time stretched on, I became more and more anxious and frustrated.

Each day, I practice calming and analytical thought patterns, and as I do this, I notice unhealthy patterns and do my best to redirect them. After a while, some pieces float into the places they are meant to be, and I come to a realization. Just a few days ago, the thought floated in that I should find a different perspective and see this time as a gift to me, so I can slow down and find who I am. One "lightbulb" moment will not eradicate a lifetime of habit. It will take many pauses to choose myself instead of the automatic accommodation of others. Even as I write this, I am tempted to go into entrepreneur mode and see what I can do to generate more money by filling a market hole with something I can offer. While I do need to make a living, and my intentions are to do just that, I am making choices not to sacrifice myself as I have done in the past.

The "takeaway" is that my goals are fine, but the way I am trying to go about them is not. I think I have been trying to live life as other people do and expecting it to succeed. Use these formulas, and your life will turn out great. Isn't that what all the self-help books say? None of those takes into account my distinct set of qualities. I just tossed out an art canvas because I was trying to imitate another artist's technique, and instead of making it my own, I tried to make it like theirs. How symbolic of my life! Yes, gather information, but filter it down to match what resonates with my own rhythm. So, then, the question I should be asking is, "What does success look like for me?"