"I Can't Do This"

Those are the words that went through my mind yesterday. My doctor had a long talk with me about ignoring my spinal condition. He told me it's a miracle I'm still functioning, but that it wouldn't stay that way. I need to get the surgery now. Well, I can't seem to get hired anywhere, and the insurance my husband provides doesn't cover very much. An idea came to me to do a fundraiser, so I started one. The surprising thing is that the feeling of overwhelm was not about the surgery, but the idea of having to ask for help. As I saw friends and strangers begin to come around me and support me, I had the overwhelming feeling that I couldn't possibly get surgery on the money of other beautiful people. What did I do next? Analyze.

One thing I already know is that I try really hard not to emulate my parents. If they had stayed long enough in one place, they would have been cult leaders. Instead, they made their family a cult, which means they abused us and mooched off of others. My mother's unhealthy response was to play the hypochondriac. Now I have an aversion to anything close to what they did, and asking for help or admitting I actually have a dramatic situation feels like repeating the past that my parents shaped. What I have not acknowledged is that I have been banking my kindness as if I were paying for any value I might have, and asking for help bankrupts me of value. Ahah! Now I'm getting somewhere!

Just as soon as I gain a little mental peace at finding something to work on, a wave of worry crashes over me about whether I actually will get enough for the surgery. It's all so chaotic and frustrating. Worry yanking on one end and more yanking on the other. It literally feels like a tug-of-war game with my emotions. Game plan: Sink back into what I know is true. Just like I tell my ice skating students, sit back down over your core and let the rest flow. I can do this!