Be That Person

When I was eleven years old, I remember another girl telling me that she didn't mean to be unkind, but I just wasn't as fun as some of the other girls. It felt like another voice telling me I was unlovable. She was just another eleven-year-old girl and didn't mean any harm. I carried the mixed emotions from that into my future. As the years went on, I could see the pattern of what she said. I was not the one whom people gravitated toward. She spoke truth in kindness, but also, through healing, I figured out how misunderstood I am and how I misunderstand what I need.

Since my parents had told me how terrible I was, I thought that I needed friends to put a value on me. When friends didn't value me, I felt like there was something wrong with me that made me be rejected by most people. That same year, as a young girl, I found my first friend but didn't realize it until later. I felt drawn to this boy who was a few years younger than I. He was compassionate yet with the naughty side of a boy. Even though he enjoyed the company of my older sister, who was more vibrant and a better storyteller, he always made sure to include me. I continued to look for friends in all the wrong places, trying to shape myself to what they wanted, but it was not until years of healing that I understood that all I needed was to stick with people like him.

The other day, I was in a situation that connected these memories to the present. I am very kind and approachable on a usual basis, but I only call a couple of people good friends. I was sharing some time with one of these friends with other people I know around, and we resonated with another person we had just met. A common ground of sharing struggles. Later on that day, I got the cold attitude from a person whom I am always nice to, but who is very petty and self-absorbed. I did feel the snub distinctly, but my heart's message to me was that I would rather be the person who hears the voice of others and cares about my students than to be accepted by all.

My beautiful childhood friend passed from this life a few years back, and I have never grieved so hard. He left with me, his spirit. That same heart that spoke to mine all those years ago and it reminds me who I am. I am that same person who could see the hurt in his eyes and would reach out to help. It is exactly who I am proud of being today. That person who will see a struggle and instead of turning away, step closer. I choose me!