Not Just an Acorn

As I was scrolling through posts today, I saw one with a picture kind of like this one. The picture was attached to something about autistic burnout, and I didn't even read very much because my mind took the idea and went with it. Nature is the best friend of trauma. My emotions came forward with sorrow and love together. It brought back a memory from several years back, one where I took my family on vacation and fought back a negative person the whole time so my son could enjoy it. At one point, we were approaching a destination, but to get there, we had to walk through a city. I noticed a change in my son and immediately responded. He was overstimulated and pulling back. The first thing I did was let him know that he was safe and I would not make him do anything. The second thing I did was look for a safe place for him to sit with his fears. A park with tall oak trees was just the spot. We sat in the grass and looked at the leaves, then we saw the large acorns and picked up a couple. We still have those acorns. At the time, I only knew I was trying to reach to his struggle, but now I understand just how big a choice that was. It was love instead of criticism, learning to sit with the overload and calm it with nature instead of being ashamed of emotional shut-down. Now, I understand that someone should have been that kind to me, and instead, I was just told that I was weak and troublesome and forced to do things I was too overloaded to do. The sorrow comes from my own childhood, the love from my son's, but a third feeling emerges. Pride. I am so proud of myself for fighting through and being the parent my son needed. Those acorns represent so much.

As I continue the journey of standing in my own space and understanding myself, I am gently becoming more capable of self-care, the same care I have given my son. Yesterday I had a few errands to run in town, and I came home feeling very productive, but I failed to notice how much it took out of me. So, I went through the rest of the day in a daze and did not care for myself properly, even though I was trying to. As I realized my lack of self-care through the emotional moment with memories, I did not criticize myself. I understood that I was burned out and gave myself some love in establishing reasonable expectations for myself, not based on other people. For those who experience life in a way similar to mine, it can sometimes take energy to rest. Exhaustion doesn't feel good, but so many times resting feels like being lazy, so we keep trying to DO something to help instead of letting go. The voice of nature sounds true in my heart, the gentle swaying of the branches and the deep roots that tell me it is ok. We help each other grow. Even as I care for my natural world, it is healing me. Even as I gave life to my son, he brings life to me.