Tending the Garden of Your Soul

Yesterday was a busy day in my thoughts and actions. I grabbed a notepad and started writing while my mind struggled to keep up with the needs of the day that required physical action. I nearly lost the thread of what I was writing several times. I did manage to hold on to the thoughts and intended to put them in a post, but when I got home, I was exhausted. Today, my thoughts travel to why I was so tired yesterday. I didn't think I did enough to merit being tired, but when I thought back on what was done, I decided that not enough credit is given to the mundane things in life. The reason I remembered what I had accomplished is that I make sure to write down on my "to-do" list all the things I do, so I can cross them off. This helps me look at my list as accomplishments instead of it weighing me down as things to get done. Of course, I read a reaffirming section out of Lisa Estabrook's Soulflower guidebook. "In our relentless search for balance, we believe we can control our lives, achieve 'success', and avoid pain and suffering, if we just do all the' right' things. Finding balance, happiness, and healing is not about perfecting being human; it is about integrating all that you are."

As my mind continued to wander, it revisited the considerations from yesterday. I discovered that as I grieved for the loss of a job that I enjoyed, I also grieved for the ability to prove my worth by being an exceptional worker. That thought pattern told me that I have some love to give to the part of me that feels the need to prove that I am valuable. Each day, this need to feel precious presents itself. Since I am not being paid for what I do, it feels like the results of my actions must be dramatic so I can point to them as a measure of value.

So, how will I handle this imbalance? My first truth is that I do not need anyone else to tell me I am valuable. I only need to value myself highly. Truth in the mind does not always reach the heart, so I do struggle to unite the two, and many times I behave according to how I feel rather than what I know. So my efforts will turn toward nurturing my heart in a better direction so I can feel settled in my own worth. Although there are many moments that I try to compare myself to the publicized measure of success, in my soul, true success is in the progress of growth. Just like the Agatha Christie rose I posted about earlier, growth doesn't often look dramatic, but it is dramatic, whether it appears flamboyant or simple. A plant that has grown in a healthy garden may produce a magnificent flower that can be enjoyed but a plant that has struggled through the cracks in the pavement or perhaps battled disease to live and has just a few leaves to show for it is every bit as magnificent, it's just that most observers don't value it as highly because of the difference in looks. The striking truth in this is that the magnificence is not diminished even though the viewer does not recognize it. The same must be realized about ourselves...about myself.